So I just barely got back from the Champlain Mill, where my new office and home of the Emergent Media Center now resides, from a very very long day/night of work.  I was happy to see that my coworker Sarah came back from her "vacation" (she and her hubby bought a new home, yay!) as the EMC missed her greatly for the week she was off.  In fact, I feel like no matter how much time I put in at work or working from home; I'm never satisfied with what I've done.  It almost seems that I get nowhere or I cannot put a big enough dent into my tasks.  I wish I had more time to do and think.  It feels that this type of job doesn’t give/pay you the time you need to think about things.  I guess what I mean is that as a manager, you’re never told “okay, you can drop everything for a couple days to think about things”.  If I was to do that, I’d have to either be at home while away from my work day or I’d have to take a vacation to clear my head and rescrew it back on.  Maybe I’m just babbling… But it does suck that I haven’t had the time to think about things lately at work.  My first weekend off in a little over a month was this past weekend, which was nice, but I felt guilty I wasn’t working at all.

It’s weird… Why do I care so much?  Why do I feel like I cannot do enough?

I want the college and the center to succeed, so maybe that’s what drives me?  My boss wasn’t exactly standing over my shoulder all night making sure I do my job (which is nice)… So why didn’t I go home at 4pm or 5pm?  It’s also slightly frustrating that I’ve only been to the gym about 4 times within the past month… Especially since Corinn and I are paying a decent amount for the membership… I’m often told that I need to stay just a bit longer and then by the time I get home, I’m exhausted and mentally vanquished, not really having the energy anymore to go to the gym, not to mention that Corinn and I are missing special classes which was the driving force of getting the membership.

I just get the feeling that I cannot be that person who leaves at 4pm every day, otherwise that shows I’m not putting in enough time or hours.  It also feels like I’d be looked down upon as an employee.  When is enough, enough?  Granted tomorrow is a big day, in of itself, of which the person who granted us funding, to commence on the electronic game to end violence against women in South Africa, will be on campus to talk with the students.

I feel that the students are the ones who really are keeping me in my job at this point in time… They’re awesome and are hard workers.  I’m kind of jealous that I’ve never had the same opportunity, but I guess I should be lucky to be in the position that helped (in a small way) get them what they have as a workspace now.  Regardless, I wish I could be the guy down in the dirt doing the actual work and not the management sometimes/a lot of times.  I wish I could be more involved in the 3D stuff or film or tech… I got some wild ideas and hope that something might open at the center that gives me the abilities to explore my ideas with the students.

Talking about students, I interviewed about 50 students in two days and will need to come up with a decision this week somehow.  That along is driving me bonkers.  How am I going to best hire someone within the next week?

Someone at a meeting this morning mentioned that I should take the week off next week.  I wonder if the person was sarcastic or not, but in my opinion, I cannot… There’s simply too much going on and I feel like I may not have an opportunity for time off unless it’s a weekend, but lately, that hasn’t been very fruitful.  It’s now 2:45am and I gotta wake up in about 4 hours… I wish I could just skip out of work for a long time.

I want to start a Masters’ program, but it seems that if work continues to be demanding like this, I still won’t be able to pursue it.  It’s felt that way for many years now.  Is it just me?  Am I doing something wrong?  This job just feels much more ridiculous than what I’ve done in the past.  I feel like I’m stretched to my limits… I feel like this is my only opportunity to talk about this.  I don’t even know if Corinn know what’s going on in this blog, much less prior to me posting this.

Okay…. Enough rambling.  I feel like this posting might get me in trouble, but I’m not in much of a caring mood right now.  If anything, this is about as much therapy I’ve needed in the past month with the hours I’ve put in.  My boss needs a break too and she’s probably put in as much or even more hours than I, which makes me, feel horrible when I think about time off or it makes me feel like I couldn’t ask for it off.  Right now there doesn’t seem to be a good week as everyone will be booked.  It also seems that taking a vacation only displaces work that needs to get done (poor Sarah), which sucks even more since you’re not coming back to someone who supplements the work that was to be done the week you’re gone.

Okay, I had a quick lapse in memory for a second a tiring nod which means I’m fading.  Please God make busy-ness go away ASAP and allow me to get back to my wife, a normal life and allow me to pursue a Master’s Degree.  I got one in mind at this point in time, but need to talk to the boss first.